Lori's Journal

2:03AM - confused

idk, its just crazy shit!! my soulmate is getting married this weekend.
i don't think he wants to get married!! although i think he'll still go through it
even though he's not sure. i think he's just perfect for me. honestly. i am an optimist.
i'm like derek. i still believe in true love and magic and soul mates. i think he is.
even lisa says so. according to her, theres this spark btween is. and for the past few weeks
he's been making advances towards me. he heard him call me "babe" tonight when i left. lisa says he
doesn't say things like that unless he means it. idk. i guess its one of those things where we
just met at the wrong time. what if we met a year ago. would he still be getting married? i just
feel that he is the one who i know would never hurt me.

i guess this just really sucks. it really does hurt to know that he's getting married.
this is i guess all just that little thing where you can't have it all. i was with richie for a long time. and
now we're not together. i wasted all this time on him. then i meet the someone who might be the love of my life, that
i know would never hurt me, but he's getting married. that really sucks.

"didn't we almost have it all"

ya see, he's the type of guy who's funny and i get a long with great. he's like me. i also know he's not the type
of guy who cheats. and i guess thats what got me hooked. but yet he's getting married. and i know he won't stop it even
though he may or maynot want to get married. to much time, and energy and money has been invested.

11:10AM - crazy

Everything is just crazy! i forgot how to do a lot of stuff in here so now i'm relearning how to do everything again.

11:13AM - drama drama drama

i don't know anymore.  richie broke me.  now there's brian.  it was only surpose to be friends with benefits.  i didn't think i cared.  i didn't think i had any feelings, but i do.  i didn't realize it until after i found out he had a few other girls friends on the side and i was just was just one of a few other chicks.  i'm still talking to him.  he was mad at me for a while for telling the truth.  what did he expect me to do, lie.  now i may have something for him even though he did this.   i'm tellin ya, LOVE IS CRAZY!

10:39AM - SERIOUSLY

OK, i haven't been on in a while.  i forgot my password but i fixed that little problem!! YAY!!

7:32PM - lifes a bitch

yeah well one thing i just can't understand is, why, when i saw richie and asked him if he wanted snowball, he blew me off. he was so cold to me. i wanna know how he could just forget me like that. how??? did he ever love me like he kept claiming to? and if her did, when did he stop??? does he still care for me? if i were to be killed in a car accident, would he care?

i sent him one last message and that is all telling him this. as if it would make a difference. he even had his ring on still. a part of me wonders if he was acting that way because its his way of dealing with the pain. I don't know. there was no reason for him to act that way towards me.

i need to be this with willpower.


this is where i am

9:56AM - dear emma

i am so sick of the way i am treated. of this mental and emotional abuse i recieve from richie. he says he loves me. when he says something and i don't hear it, he freaks out, which happens a lot. i don't do anything right.

this morning, i guess he said that he was going to tow a car first thing this morning. i went to take a shower, and he flipped out because i could wait until later. i told freaked out right back and told him to leave me. well he's still her. and i am in this bedroom with the door shut bawling my eyes out b/c of the way he treats me.

he wants to take me to my mothers so he doesn't have to "deal" with me this weekend. thats all i've been thinking about is that we have no future together and the mental and emotional abuse. if you love someone, you don't treat them that way. i think i may be better off without him, but i still love him, and thats the hard part. someone just can't say you should get rid of him, b/c its easier said than done. well i' going to give it a try today and try to move on. i don't need him. i don't need this. it is also proven that frequent fights put more strain on the woman's heart.

Current mood: lonely

11:06PM - everytime

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

Current mood: lonely

10:43PM - dear emma

i am so stressed out right now that i don't know which way is up. between my family and rich...i don't know what to do anymore. there's problems between chris and rich. half the time i have no idea whats going on.

i don't know whats going on with me and rich. does he love me. he says he can't deal with me living with him again. he acts like i'm such a hard person to live with. no, he is. everything i do is wrong. sometimes the only thing that comforts me is listening to the song everytime by britney spears and my immortal by evenescense.

so lost and confused with college and getting a job and what am i going to do with my life. i'm not going anywhere w/o my license. avon seems to be doing well so far. i had a meeting tonight and i got some really helpful tips. i'm kinda excited about it. well not much else to say right now.

Current mood: confused

9:14AM - simple life

I love this song!!!

I have wandered this world far and wide
I've been all around and to the other side
But there's nothin' like comin' home
Nothin' like comin' home



I wanna sit on my front porch
And drink my lemonade
Cut my grass after church every Sunday
And go out Saturday night
And live the simple life
Wake up in the mornin' to these fields of gold
And take a long walk down a gravel road



Spend my days in sweet sunshine
Rock in my swing, and watch my garden grow
Know that I'll always have someone to hold
Oh, I want to live the simple life, yeah

I wanna take a blanket down to the creek
And let the water sing me to sleep
Let go of time
And live the simple life, oh yeah
Well, lately I've seen too many city lights
I wanna go somewhere
Where I can see the stars at night



Spend my days in the sweet sunshine
Rock in my swing, and watch my babies grow
Know that I'll always have (some) someone to hold

9:12AM

bear with me i have no idea why my icons aren't working!!!

8:30PM

I have no idea what his problem is? we are fighting right now b/c i made the mistake of putting another cd in the cd player when there was one already in there. i guess he said there was a cd in there and that's what i thought at first but then i thought that there wasn't on in there so i put my cd in there. he freaked and through it out the window. well he turned around to go get and and is screaming at me for it. i say i'm sorry but it doesn't work. so we're fighting and i'm at my moms. this is a bad fight. i said some pretty terrible things to him and i might not here from him again, which i fear most.

where do we go from here. this isn't where we intended to be. We had it all. you believed in me. I beleived in you.

I've been up there to much and we've been around eachother to much. i had a feeling this was coming. he sometimes makes me feel like i'm stupid. nithing i do is right. i try so hard to please him. his temper has gotten better but he still has a long way to go. and so do i.





i have a lot more to say but i can't think of it now. will write when i know what it is.



i have more to say.

As i lay in bed this morning, thoughts run through my mind about us. do i still luv him? after yesterday, i don't know. maybe we just need some time away from each other. i'm gonna try to stay away for a while.

i'm just so scared. i've always wondered what happens to those ppl who fall in love and get married. they were in love, then then weren't. like rich and nikki. they loved each other,, but with all the fights and problems and cheating, what happen, how did he fall out of love with her.

rich tends to think that i'm surpose to be perfect but i'm not. i do things my way and he does things his way. well my well isn't right. i sometimes feel like i'm no good to him. i can't cook, clean right, do laundry right, sleep right,walk right. and when the house is a mess, i like it clean as much as he does but, when something is laying around. he gets to it before i do. and bitches as me for it. i'm sick of not being able to do anything right. he needs to take me as i am. this is me.

what u see is what you get

You used to say that I was special
Everything was right
But now you think I'm wearing too much make-up
That my dress is too tight
You got no reasons to be jealous
I've never been untrue
So does it really matter if they're looking
I'm only looking at you
You should never try to change me
I can be nobody else
And I like the way I am

What you see is what you get
This is me, hey you
If you want me, don't forget
You should take me as I am
'Cause I can promise you
Baby, what you see is what you get

You should bever try to change me
I can be nobody else
Believe me, you'll be looking for trouble if you hurt me
I can promise you, you'll be looking for trouble
Believe me, yeah yeah yeah yeah

Current mood: confused

10:08AM - dear emma

i bidded on a Leann Rimes cd and won, so that should be coming to me soon. I was kinda lazy this week, I didn't go to class Monday, Tuesday, or Friday. yeah i know. newxt week i'm cracking down. I need to get with the program. I slacked off a few days on my research paper. i was on the internet thursday all afternoon on the library database getting books on hold.

i want to start writing my dreams down.
last night all i remember is ...




i weighed 127 the other day, so i piged out on calories last night and this morning. now i have to get back to work on it. i'm at rich's now. we have zach. they went downtown to get parts for the truck. zach's sick but he's still a good kid. he helped me tuesday with my flowers. i bought sunflower seeds to plant outside. yeaha. i have something coming up in one of my tomatoe plant.





yesterday while rich was at work, i was playing "perfect housewife". its a fun game to play sometimes.



i'm trying to get my taxes and my fafsa done, so far no luck. i'll write more l8ter.

11:35AM - *PERFECT*

5:19PM - dear emma

i'm at rich's this weekend. we were surpose to go to the maple fest. but its raining. so rich ended up going to syracuse with 2 friends to tow a car. i've been home all day.

i went and got my eyebrows waxed and my nails done the other day at hollywood nails. i got airbrush done but i think i wasted my money on the airbrush. i got the chines symbol for love on my nails in blue.



i've been working on my research paper a lot lately on women's rights. i've also been trying to finish my lab reports for Chemistry Lab. fun!! i've been learning a lot about women. i even feel like a women with certain things. like my bra, underwear, sunglasses, clothes, with my nails done, and my eyebrows done, and a skinny body. not skinny skinny but toned.





my boobs feel because of this new bra i have. i have makeup on and i feel great. a woman who is attractive in everyway and is smart and in shape with exercise(I went from 148 to 128 all by exercise and better eating habits). for me to feel like a woman.



i have my temptaions. i eat some candy hear and there. gummy worms or a candy bar or ice cream. i try to eat low calorie foods. fruits, veggies and salads, yogurts, milk, cheese, eggs. mainly i'm trying to eat non-processed foods.



i can't wait for rich to come home. he's been gone since seven this morning and miss him so much.




In my spare time, i've found some graphics and downloaded them onto photobucket.com.

I bought a few new clothes the other day at McLaughlins and Label Shopper for $5. i bought rich a shirt as well.



One of my classes on tuesday and thurday afternoons is ending next week, so i went over to valley view to give them a schedule. so maybe i will be able to get a job on 2nd shift and get my apartment.

Current mood: anxious

9:34PM

dear emma,

i've been really busy with college. i have this research paper due in may that i need to get cracking on it more than what i have been. i have mountains of books on feminism and women's suffrage and everything.
i'm alternating between my moms and rich's. me and rich get along better and i know how much he loves me. i love him just as much.

i have a list of things i still need to do, like my scheduling for next semester, fafsa, taxes,my resume, getting a job. the anti-depressant i'm on has calmed me down a lot and i feel great. but it has side effects. i read through the side effects. unable to have an orgasm, restlessness, drowsiness. this past weekend i was at rich's and we had zachary all weekend. no problem, i love him. sunday, i didn't feel go and i wanted to sleep in, well at 7;30 in the morn. he came in to wake me up to show me what he got. i didn't get mad at him and scream but i made sure rich new i was irritated. but i was extreamly irritated. all morning i had pms. this morning i woke and felt so grumpy and irratable. i think the meds are make my pms worse. i'll have to talk to the doctor. after a while bout 10;30 i felt better. now i'm starting to get moody.



i bought a car from jamie. the one we sold to him and now i'm buying back. i got new tires for it to (gary's u-pull it)hehe!!!





i hade tutoring for chem. today. ashley, helped me do parts of it. i was hungary and couldn't consentrate. so i had chinese for lunch with tinabobbers who was home sick. it was good.



i haven't been going to the Y lately b/c its been so nice out. rich stopped by a little while ago and we went for a LONG LONG walk together. I miss him so much, but we can't be together all the time because then we get sick of being around eachother all the time. but i think this separation has made him realize how much i mean to him and how much he loves me. b/c he's acting a lot better and a lot more sweeter.



i've been letting myself side on my diet this past weekend. i weigh 130 then ate a bunch of junk and candy and gained a pound. do i'm walking as much as i can and trying to each more fruits and veggies, but not strictly that. gotta get my carbs don't i.



well i'll write more tomorrow b/c i'm tired and i have a head ache.
love always lori beth

3:31PM - spring break

this week is spring break. i've been at richie's house everyday since wednesday. today, i went back to my moms b/c me and richie were at eachother's throats. he's sick with strep. i've been trying to eat healthier up there but it doesn't work. l8ter me and rachel are going to the Y. i'll get her in on a guest pass.

i went to the department of labor friday and got inputs on some jobs. now i have to go to the library and type a resume. i typed one on my laptop but the i realized that i couldn't print it until i went back to college.



i'm not going to college this summer. instead, next fall it looks like i will be going partime at college and have a full time job so i can pay my bills. if all goes well, i will get this residential aide position for CWS. my loan money should be in next week. as soon as it comes in, i'm buying sneakers and putting the rest in the bank to save.





i went driving with chris today for a bit. from PC to the house.

Current mood: hopeful

4:48PM

Take the What Fruit Are You? test by Ellen!

Current mood: restless

10:41AM - trying to update

i am starting to write in my journal again. my therapist says its a good idea to keep a journal.

first things first,
crystal, sorry i haven't been able to call you or anything. i have been busy with college and trying to get a job. i have been very stressed out. my doctor put me on celexa, an anti-depressant, i love it, it's working very well for me. it all started with me loosing my breath. the doctor has done all these tests on my lungs to make sure i have nothing wrong. basically, it's stress.

i have been attending college since jan. 24. it's not really hard, although the only problem i have is chemistry. its really hard to understand. i got my interm grades and i got a c. everything else, i got a's and b's.

me and richie are spearated for a while, although we still see eachother on weekends and such. we love each other very much. i can feel our love being so strong when he holds me and kisses me. i guess the problems we had were we were always around eachother and i didn't have a license. i also interfere with him, his son, and the mother. i guess if i stay out of it were fine. and it's really none of my business anyways how her disiplines his son. his son's name is Zachary. i love that kid. he's so funny.

what rich wants me to do is to live on my own and to prove that i can take care of myself as well.

i applied to the hospital and valley view for a cna job. valley view isn't hiring and the hospital called my instructor for a reference. i didn't use my teacher as a reference but they called her. she said some negative things about me. which is illegal. defamation of character. now the hospital won't hire me. so now i have to go over to CWS and apply for a residential aide position. rih and chris both said that i might have to got part time at college and have a full time job, in order to pay the bills. i want an apartment so bad, but i need a job.

i'm not at my dads house anymore b/c he said that the only way i can stay there is if i went to church. i don't think so. i don't see why i have to go to church to prove that i believe in god. Lonnie sent me a rude nasty note about everything. i told her how it was. i am still extremely pissed off about her intereing in me richie's life last year. anything that goes on between me and rich and even nikki(his ex)his our business. so i'm staying at my moms and sleeping on the sofa bed. me and my mom and getting along better now. chris too. although he can still be an asshole. s

i've been going to the Y all the time now. and working out. i want to flatten my stomach and actually fit into a bikini. i did way 148, now i weigh 135. and i feel better to. i walk all the time and run, i lift weights too. i eat mainly fruits and vegetables and drink a lot of water. i'm cutting down on junk food and sugars. i read and article in glamour magazine about giving amish women pedometers. they walk 7 miles a day, but eat hi carb hi fat meals and are still skinny. so i'm walking a lot more burning calores.

well not much else to say. gotta go

Current mood: hopeful

1:29PM - writing

i honetly don't know what to write. i love my man!

10:07AM - wuzup

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